Let’s Play “10 Things You Didn’t Know About Me”

I really enjoy the different memes that include a “tell us 10 things we didn’t know about you“. I don’t care about the bulk of the memes, but I’ve had tons of fun discovering quirks and fun tidbits about different bloggers over the years.

I kept asking myself “what would I share if I were to do this?“. I’m pretty open and personal in my writing (At first I tried to not be, but that didn’t work out. I guess it’s just in my nature to get all personal and awkward and stuff.) so it was hard to find things that I hadn’t already written about. On the gaming blog, I’ve often talked about my eternal schooling, my extreme shyness, my Rocky Mountain adventures, my traveling, my MS and my paradoxical fascination with interpersonal (and especially romantic) relationships, despite having so little interest in them for myself. I’ve even talked a bit about my weird childhood growing up “behind (cultural/linguistic) enemy lines“. What could there be left to say?

Not to mention that a post like this is incredibly narcissistic. But I suppose that’s what blogs are, and what this blog is – shrines to ourselves. Others can visit, or not visit, as they please.

So there I went and found 10 things I hadn’t really talked about on the blogs, or things that I had hinted to but never went into detail, or things that I had talked about, but not in the right light. It ended up being a really fun experience, even at the personal level. I think I discovered some things about myself!

1- I love to sing. I’m always singing around the house, in the car, or even at work if no one’s around. I also like to take songs apart and imagine different interpretations. Sadly, my singing sounds something like a cross between a crow and a cat dying, so a personal music career isn’t in the cards. It’s a shame really, because I have great vocal stamina. I can sing all the way to Edmonton (3 hours) without getting hoarse. Once I even sang almost the entire way home from Calgary (7 hours).

2- When I was a kid I wanted to be a space biologist. There was no such thing at the time, but I’m from a generation who was constantly told that their future job didn’t exist yet. My dreams were squashed years later, however, when I discovered I hated lab work. Hated it. To this day, I still fly into a rage at the smell of formaldehyde. So, no biologist, space or otherwise, career for me. Maybe 30 years from now there will be need for a space pharmacist. I’ll be the first to apply!

3- I’ve always thought of my having MS as a blessing. I was especially fortunate about being diagnosed as a teenager. It taught me to make the most of the moment while being ready for the worst. I do all the things I want to do while I still can, but I’m also hugely anal about having good insurance and intelligent savings should I take a turn for the worst (or should something else go wrong). I’m also pretty excellent at managing symptoms, especially the fatigue and the pain, because I don’t really know any different. And it gives me lots of things to be proud of. I’ve done 10 years of college/university at four different schools, I’ve been a university cheerleader, I’ve done plenty of dance shows, I taught skiing for years, I do difficult mountain hikes on a regular basis, I’ve backpacked solo across three countries, I managed a pharmacy right out of school, all while juggling MS symptoms and flare ups.

4- I like swings. You know, like swings in the park. When I was little, my daddy built me a playground in our backyard. When I was around 9, I decided to start using the swings a few times a day. Somehow I got addicted and even as a grown up, I still go to the swings for a few hours a week. It’s a real addiction. If I go too long without, I get nervous, spacy and cranky. And when I get to swing after a long spell without, it feels divine. Hey, some people are addicted to smoking, some people to drinking, some people to porn… A swing addiction is pretty harmless in comparison! And it gives me epic biceps (True story! Ask me to show you sometime.) I’ve had a few swing-related injuries (a broken wrist, a few broken vertebrae, some sprains and a lot of destroying the skin on my hands), but for the most part it’s a great way to enjoy being outdoors, clear your head, make up stories and listen to music.

5- I like sorting things. I’m not exactly sure why, but I really, really, really like sorting things. As a kid, I usually didn’t play with toys the usual way. Instead I’d sort them and re-sort them. Legos, crayons, dolls, cards, Halloween candy – nothing escaped my love of sorting! Later on, in high school I did basic algebra equations and chemistry balancing equations (also a type of sorting!) for fun, the way other people do crosswords for fun. (Only basic stuff though – calculus was borderline enjoyable and anything beyond that didn’t do anything for me.) Sorting just gives me this overwhelming pleasure. Contrarily to what others speculate to me, it’s not about the end result. When sorting something for fun, I’ll usually just mess it up again so I can re-sort it. It’s the action of sorting itself that makes me happy.

6- I can’t recognize faces. The term, which I learned while doing my psych degree, is prosopagnosia. I think most documented cases describe a result of brain trauma, but I think I may have a hereditary form. My dad and one of my brothers also have trouble with that sort of thing. I generally recognize people based on their hair. And yes, that causes embarrassing scenarios whenever someone gets a drastic haircut. Worse, if I don’t get the chance to really look at a new person’s hair, I won’t recognize them at all when I see them again. Which can lead to awkward situations given my line of work! I also tend to stare at peoples faces a lot because every time I look, it’ll seem different. I try to not let that show. Apparently people get creeped out by face staring.

7- I like learning for learning. About all sorts of things. If I were to go back to school, I’d have a hard time choosing between post-grad pharmacy, Disaster Management, Linguistic Anthropology, International Development and Sound Engineering. All such interesting fields! I get all panicky whenever I think of all the things I want to learn about and how little time I have to learn them all.

8- I’m oblivious about my body. For a long time I didn’t really know what I looked like. I mean, I would look in the mirror and know it was me, but the second I looked away, I’d forget. When I’d draw self portraits for school as a kid, I’d usually draw a shapeless blob with yellow hair. (And I don’t even have yellow hair!) As a teenager I was probably the only girl who didn’t struggle with body image. I didn’t have a body image to struggle with. I didn’t really care either. I’ve worked on it a lot (now that I have a relatively high profile job, I have to go clothes shopping more) but I still have trouble knowing what my face looks like (possibly related to #6). I’m also pretty oblivious to what my body is feeling. I wreck socks and shoes all the time from walking until my feet bleed and I’ve had a number of relatively serious injuries that I didn’t notice until much later. I guess I’m always so captivated by my thoughts that my body just seems so boring in comparison.

9- I find personal finance super interesting. Larger scale economics make my eyes glaze over, but anything that involves personal investments, interests rates, bank accounts, heck even taxes, has me riveted. Last time I had an appointment with my financial adviser (as if having a financial adviser despite not being rich wasn’t odd enough), I brought a spreadsheet. Normal people go to their banks with spreadsheets, right? I joke that it’s my parents fault. When I was a teenager, it was a trend in my region for parents to open conversations about uncomfortable topics by hiding books in their kids rooms. All my friends got “Your Body and You”-type books. I got “Personal Investing for Canadians”. Instead of giving me a car for my 16th birthday, my parents brought me to the bank and helped me start my first RRSP. At the time I found it hilarious (to an extent, I still do), but now that I’m an adult who sees so many, so many friends (and especially women!) struggle financially, I’m incredibly thankful that my parents taught me about money management early on. (And I blame my lack of interest in romantic relationships on not getting my copy of “Your Body and You”.)

10- I’ve always wanted to adopt. Preferably internationally for my first. I wouldn’t mind adopting a Canadian child with special needs as a second child. While I could be talked into having my own, I feel no real desire to, at least not at the moment. My maternal instinct is pretty strong and I love any child (or any person or creature, really, I love volunteering at hospitals, senior homes and animal shelters) who needs me. (I’m sometimes asked whether I could have my own kids if I wanted to and I have no idea. I’ve never tried! However, I really doubt I could be capable of a long term partnership with another adult – it’s not in my nature – and I don’t like the idea of sperm donors, not unless it’s a last resort, which could sort of qualify as not being able to have children the traditional way.) I dream of a big family, but given my likelihood of being a single working mother, I doubt that will happen. I definitely want a multicultural family, though. I grew up, sort of by accident, in a multicultural situation and I desperately want that for my own children. I want them to be curious about the world, I want them to not be afraid of language barriers, I want them to understand how cultures work and how they all express the same humanity, but in different circumstances.

And there we have it! 10 things about me.

Switching over the calendar time!

I tossed out my desk-sized life insurance advertisement calendar and put up my National Geographics Cute Baby Animals calender. Nothing like a calender upgrade to start off the year. (And with my purchase of a National Geographics Cute Baby Animals calendar, I also sponsored my coworker’s son’s school and gave money to National Geographics, which is the company that taught me most of my childhood geography lessons.)

I’m not really one for overly specific New Year’s Resolutions, I mean, if I feel like changing, I’ll just change. No need to get all structurey about it. But I do enjoy reflecting on my tiny place in this world, and any excuse for brain workout is fine by me.

2012 (extended from 2011) – The Year of Litteracy

At the end of 2010, it occurred to me how much my life improved after I started blogging. Through writing and finding my voice, I somehow uncovered, inside the shy, awkward girl that I was, a confident, proud young woman willing to take on the world.

I’m a horrible speaker, horrible. People always say to me: “Comon, you sound just fine to me.” While, yes, it’s reassuring to be told that I hide my lacking well, talking still takes a ton of effort. (I also have a lot of trouble hearing words too, so I think it has to do with how my brain processes sounds.) When I talk, I need to be relaxed (not easy when you’re uber shy like me) and I need an extremely patient audience as I weigh each of my words and work out sentences. As a result, I rarely participated in discussions, gave off “stupid girl” vibe and, well, sort of gave up.

Enter writing.

At first, I wasn’t much of a writer either. Oh, I went through the IB program so I have decent training, I have a good sense of humour so I can be entertaining and I have a big imagination so I can be original. But writing took as much effort as talking, so I didn’t really do it for fun and would put off school papers as long as possible.

Once I got the hang of blogging, though, my world changed. I found I could take my time to find words, and if I played around enough with those words, sometimes the end result would be pretty. I started getting emails about writing tips (Me? Provide writing tips? Don’t they realize it takes me hours to write 100 words?), I made a ton of friends and I forged so many sentence pathways in my brain that writing school papers stopping feeling like a torture session.

The effect that had on me was stunning. I had a voice now. I could write about embarrassing things with pride (I write a video game blog for crying out loud), I could win discussions by being the stronger writer and I got all cocky and refused to be afraid of anything the internet would throw at me.

The power of writing translated over to my real life too. I’ll always be uber shy, but now I’m proud of being shy and don’t want to change. When situations get tense, I have the calm belief that I can “take it to paper” and sort it all out through writing. Things that used to upset me or cause me to panic don’t anymore, because practicing my writing gave me confidence for, well, everything.

All that feel good stuff made me want to help others find the same liberation I did through writing. It upsets me how many people in my own country cannot read or write. Even in my community, I’m frequently handed a pen and paper by someone who wants me to write something down for them.

Getting involved in litteracy ended up being a lot tougher than I expected. I did help out with Blog Azeroth for some time (though that was perhaps even before 2011), I answer to the best of my ability every email I get about writing (if I didn’t answer your email, I never received it my spam filter can be aggressive) and I do my best to encourage others who are just picking up the pen or the keyboard for the first time. Whenever I visit friends and find a small child on my lap (which seems to be happening more and more these days), I pick up a book and read it with them. Within my community, though, I couldn’t find any volunteering opportunities, especially not with my time constraints.

By chance, I got involved with the Canadian branch of Plan International. They have a good reputation and their values match mine perfectly so I went all in. I now sponsor a little girl in the Philippines. She’s two years old and absolutely adorable. I cried when I got her picture in the mail. Just too too cute. Since sponsorship money goes to a lot of different things, I hope that a good chunk in it goes to the village school. I will be in the neighbourhood sometime in the next year, and Plan lets us visit our sponsor-ees, so I do want to visit her and bring books and crayons and paper for their school.

I also bought a Gift of Hope from their website: literacy training for two women.

While I’ll probably never know who those two women are, I hope the gift money goes to good use. Women in developing countries are often the pillars of their communities, but generally aren’t given the time to get the education they need before devoting themselves to their families and villages. As a fellow woman, and a fellow human being, I wish there was more I could do for these women and for the communities they live in.

Onward 2013 – Of community and minimalism?

One concept that has preoccupied me lately is that of community. I moved to small town Alberta expecting to work off my contract, make lots of money and move to Vancouver. Instead I discovered the meaning of community.

Little city girl me was shocked to discovered that I was fascinated with this small town life. Though, after thinking about it, it may be less surprising. I got very attached to my first online community (a Final Fantasy message board), I bond closely with my WoW guilds, I took to the group of WoW bloggers like I was born into it. In offline worlds, dorm life during my exchange in California was one of my most fulfilling experiences ever and, when I started traveling, communal hostel life came naturally to me.

Maybe not so surprising, then, that I fell head over heels for my little town in Alberta. It even has me questioning whether I really want my dream Vancouver condo after all.

Late in 2013, I plan on working for a bit on a farm in Australia, then backpack some of the Pacific and South East Asia (and if I have time, more of Asia). I want to visit communities, all kinds of communities. From communities of travellers on an Australian farm to wealthy first world Australian communities, to more down to earth communities like my sponsored child’s community in the Philippines. I want to see communities, feel communities and reflect on what is it about us humans that makes us do so well in communities.

As for minimalism, it may seem completely unrelated. It is a little bit related, considering I want to get rid of as many belongings as I can before leaving for overseas. Even if I wasn’t traveling, though, I find that minimalism ties in more and more with my values.

When my brother was visiting last week, he showed me this video. It taught me nothing new, but it summed up (with pretty pictures!) what I’ve been desperately trying to explain to my parents, to my friends and to random people on the street.

Essentially, I hate owning things. I would far rather spend my money on a nice haircut, a good meal, or a fun trip. This troubles my mother who tells me “but you’ll have nothing to show for it!” Which is exactly the point. I spent my money on a great (and either mental health enhancing or educational) experience and I’m not stuck with some silly piece of crap taking up room in my apartment that I feel bad getting rid of because I spent so much money on it. I hate clutter, don’t understand the appeal of designer products, have no desire to have a fancy car and want a small dwelling. I’m so so tired of having stuff.

I have a long way to go though. I own a lot of things I don’t need but that I have trouble getting rid of. I still occasionally buy new clothes without donating or throwing out old clothes. I have enough electronics to support a small village. And I can barely see my table under everything on it. It’s hard to get of things, especially things with sentimental value, but between now and putting all my stuff into storage, I will make a conscience effort to minimize the amount of stuff in my apartment.

And those are my goals for the upcoming year.

How to run far from home and not regret it

This topic came up on Twitter and slid into some private discussions. Being the queen of packing my bags and moving as far as I can manage every few years, I obviously have a lot to share about this, much more than I can fit into an instant message program and definitely more than I can fit into Twitter. So, I thought, this is a perfect opportunity to wipe the dust off this quaint (if I do say so myself) little corner of the internet.

Genesis of a Nomad

I was 20 years old, at the beginning of my second year of a 3 year specialized B.A. in psychology. I told my parents that in the next year I was going to go to school in the US. They were nothing short of horrified.

Here is a summarized version of the conversation, for your reading pleasure:

Me: I’m going to do a semester at an American school.
Mom: Oh no you aren’t!
Me: Yes I am.

Then I packed my bags, flew to California and had the time of my life.

My parents did come around eventually. My mom relaxed when I showed her my 4000$ grant, and I think both my parents changed their minds when I came home a happier, wiser, more outgoing and more confident person. When I decided to move to Newfoundland for 5 years, then to Northern Alberta for a 2 year contract, they were far more approving. Now I’m talking about a year in Australia and South East Asia and they sound… excited for me.

The pivoting point was, I think, when I proved that moving away, even far away, as a young person, on your own, is actually a fantastic idea. You make connections, you learn about the world, you learn to get yourself out of trouble, you learn how to ask for and receive help…and the list goes on. If I were to redo the experience, I would have actually started at a much much younger age. (Us North Americans are so sheltered. I had a Vietnamese roommate once, she came to Canada by herself at the age of 15, barely speaking any English. She was my roommate 4 years after the move and she was doing just fine.)

Over the past couple of days, I compared my own experiences to the experiences of others – others who had good experiences like me and others who had bad experiences. I tried to figure out what we did right, what we did wrong, then I compiled a Cosmo-style list. A list that just fits nicely in this post.

1- Be Realistic About Your Experience

“What the hell are you running from?“
- My distressed mother upon hearing of my US plans.

“I’m not running from, Mom, I’m running to.”

This understanding seems to me to be the main difference between those who have good experiences after a big leap and those who don’t.

If you’re struggling, moving away is not going to solve your problems. The common denominator to your problems isn’t your environment. The common denominator is you. If you need to brush up on your financial, your family, your communication skills, you’ll still need to brush up on them 1000 kilometers later.

However, living away, or even just traveling for a long period of time, forces you to develop new skills. If you’re very dependent, you’ll be forced to learn independence. If you’re too independent, you’ll be forced to learn how to ask for and accept help. If you’re bad with money, you’ll be forced to learn basic financial management. If you have a bad sense of direction, you’ll be forced to develop that too.

In other words, being far away won’t fix your problems, but if you submit to the Travel Gods, they’ll teach you the skills you need to solve your problems yourself.

2- Have a Plan

The better your plan, the easier time you’ll have.

At very least, know your basic legal requirements if entering another country, and the availability of transportation and accommodation.

Different travelers have different levels of tolerance to the unknown. I have a very anxious personality. When I travel, I generally study everything about my destination. Quite often I’ll even have bus schedules and radio stations memorized. A friend of mine, on the other hand, loves adventure and has no problems sleeping in train stations when needed. She just leaps in blind.

But you’ll save a lot of time if you know about visa requirements, and a lot of discomfort if you know about transportation and accommodations. The more you map out, the smoother your adventure will be. You don’t even have to follow your plans, you just want to have a safety net ready should the Spontaneity Gods not be on your side.

If you’re traveling or moving with a spouse or kids, having a plan is even more important. A new location is a huge stress on everyone and the more unknowns you eliminate, the more relaxed everyone will be.

3- Build a Social Network

This is another major difference between happy re-locators and regretful ones.

I find that human beings are human beings no matter where they are. There are cultural differences, yes, but the essence of a human being, for better and for worse, is always the same. If you refuse to make connections on the premises of “people here aren’t friendly”, you’re almost guaranteed a terrible time.

Personally, looking back, my warmest, fuzziest memories aren’t about the pretty sights or the unusual experiences. They are always about the kindness of strangers, the wisdom of elders and the warmth of fellow adventurers.

The easiest time to make friends is when you’re new to a place because you’re basically a living conversation starter. Fascination with people from afar is an almost universal phenomenon. Just find an excuse to let an “I just arrived” slip and, congrats, you’ve scored yourself a 20 minute chat.

Find other people from away, or local hobby groups. In smaller areas it helps to get to know the post office workers, the grocers, the bus drivers, the barristas and the pharmacists. They tend to be in the know and you’ll quickly learn everything you need to have a good time in town. You don’t have to make lifelong bestest best friends. What’s important is having a social support group to keep you company, to give you advice, to provide a shoulder to cry on and to help you out (or point you to someone who can help you out) when you’re in trouble.

4- Accept Imperfection

You read National Geographics. You subscribe to travel blogs. You carefully examine all your friends’ Facebook travel pictures. You are well aware that worthwhile travel experiences are 100% rosy.

I’ll let you in on a secret.

When I reached my dorm room in California, my heart sank. When I reached my dorm room in Newfoundland, I curled up on my bed and bawled my eyes out. Even when I’m just on vacation, I get very depressed the first day. Oh, and I’ve had tons of wet clothes experiences (followed by the even lovelier moldy clothes experience). I’ve lost a lot of money because of bad guesses, I’ve locked myself outside in a hurricane, I’ve had bloody feet, I’ve even ended up in the hospital in a foreign country. And that’s nothing compared to some of the horror stories I’ve heard on the road. (One woman had a car bomb go off next to her in Vienna. A CAR BOMB!)

Just because things don’t go perfectly doesn’t mean your experience is a write-off. What you have to do is focus on the good times. When bad things happen, start narrating in your head how you’ll tell everyone about this later. Because there are two types of experiences when you’re far from home: good experiences, and good stories.

Obviously, there are some extreme situations that can’t make a good story no matter how you look at them. Luckily, these situations are very rare, and are just as likely to happen at home as they are to happen far from home. Maybe even more likely to happen at home (remember, most acts of violence happen between people who know each other!). We kid ourselves into believing that in behaving a certain way, or dressing a certain way, or saying certain things we’ll be safe. Truth is (with the exception of avoiding uber risky trades like drugs or prostitution) there’s very little you can do to avoid being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Take comfort in reminding yourself that you’re waaaay more likely to die in a car crash than to experience something too awful to laugh about later while far from home. And if it happens, it happens. If you refuse to live your life because of the tiny chance that other people might be assholes, you’re letting those assholes win without them even having to lift a finger.

Conclusion: Just Make the Most of Everything

If someone asked me for short advice before making a big leap, I’d say look at everything, listen to everyone, learn everything you can and write a lot of stories in your head.

These adventures, from potential permanent moves to short vacations, are such amazing experiences. Even when things go wrong, they still become treasured memories in the end because of the strength, the perspective and the wisdom they’ve given you. I can’t even imagine how much my life would suck if I hadn’t had the boldness to go to California.

Back in the day, I saw the world as a huge, intangible, frightening place with dangerous strangers lurking in the shadows. Now I still see it as huge, but as a huge, huge home filled with wise grandparents, goofy uncles and party hardy cousins. As a person, I now feel like I’m in control of my life, of what I do with it and of where I live it. I find it easier to relate to others, I experience more enjoyment on a daily basis and I feel safe. Safe and powerful. That’s what my daring moves have given me.

So you’re asking, should I run off somewhere?

So I say yes. Do it right, of course, but definitely do it.

Small Town Life – One Year In

It’s been a little over a year since I put all my belongings in boxes, shipped them across the country (and in Canada, that means a quarter way across the world) and settled myself in Small Western Town, Alberta.

This is part of my backyard.

I’ve always thought of myself as a city girl. Before moving here, I refused to own a car, I was obsessive about my privacy, I spent my free time writing blog posts in artsy coffee shops and my interests included theatre, museums and window shopping.

Now, I rarely write, I rarely go to the coffee shop (there’s only one nearby, it closes early, is crowded and has no wireless) and, well, if I leave the house in my free time at all, it’s to go climb mountains. I drive everywhere, I put on 15 pounds and I’ve forgotten everything I ever understood about the concept of “waiting in line”. Or of waiting at all, really.

But I’m sold. I’m totally sold to small town life. If anything, I find that this town is too big and too far south. I find myself craving more remoteness, harsher climates and less privacy. I like being able to cross the street to get to work. I like the lack of traffic. I like that there’s no temptation to spend money. I love seeing the mountains from my kitchen/living room/bedroom window. I like recognizing people when I’m grocery shopping. I even like when people gossip about me. Makes me feel special.

I was worried that it would be hard to make friends, that everyone else my age would be totally different from me. That turned out to be true. I get along well with the other late-twentysomethings, but my road in life is education-then live it up-then have family-then show family how to live it up. Theirs is live it up-then have family-then regret not getting an education-then hire divorce lawyer.

Surprisingly, though, I don’t mind. After being around others for so long in school/roommates situations, I love my solitude. When an attempt at a romantic relationship failed a few months ago, I was sad for a couple of days, but it didn’t take long for relief to take over. Meditation, communing with nature, and, yes, getting caught up in my video gaming, have been so fulfilling that I don’t feel like anything’s missing. I love hanging out with the other young people in town once in awhile, but right now I feel so complete on my own that regular company of others just feels like excess baggage.

Going through school I felt like I’d sacrificed 10 years of my life. I still feel that way, but the sacrifice was worthwhile. I see so many girls and women around here having to depend on their spouses’ income and who can’t work a steady job due to having to schedule life around their kids. Because I put “real life” on hold for 10 years, I was able to start a career where I can afford to put money aside. Where I can do all the things I’ve dreamed of since I was little. Then when I get around adopting (because I’m not particularly interested in having my own), I can work part time and still have the resources give my kids a good life.

It’s not just about the money either. Education gave me a certain confidence. And it taught me tons about problem solving, and how to learn. I get this conversation all the time:

Me: Here, let me figure it out…. Got it!
Person: Ah, well, when you get to be my age, figuring things out just isn’t as easy anymore.
Me: You know I’m older than you, right?

(I’m starting to realize that in Small Town Alberta, if you don’t have kids, everyone assumes you’re under 20, because if you’re over 20, clearly you must have kids.)

There are some traits exclusive to Northern Alberta in my town. For example, our economy is good. Like, really good. Like, the mill, the mines and the oilfields hog most of the working force, leaving no one to work in stores, hotels or restaurants. Hiring is so painful. In the end, we sign contracts with other countries, so they send us some of their workers. But on the bright side, it makes for a lot of immigration, a lot of cultural diversity and a lot of open-mindedness. I didn’t have to deal with any of the snobbism and conservative attitude small towns are reputed with.

Quite the opposite, we’re all here, from all over the world, to make a good life for ourselves. And that makes for a great community.

So yeah, much to my surprise, I’m really enjoying small town life, and, especially, small town Northern Alberta life. I’ve got one more year here, then a year abroad, then, when I come back, I’m thinking of Yukon or the Northwest Territories. I’m really not in a hurry to find myself back in the city.

Us Singles, Strange and Unique Creatures? Maybe Not.

I’ve discovered a new guilty pleasure: news sites. Or, more specifically, news sites commenters. It’s horrible, I know, but, yeah, trainwreck. Just can’t look away. If you wonder what Youtube morons will be like 30 years from now, check out commenters on news site.

Anyway, when getting my daily dose of news sites comments last week, I came across a flurry of articles around New York University sociology professor Eric Klinenberg’s recent book “Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone“. (Flurry, I suspect, that was enhanced by a certain Valentines Day occurring around the same time.)

Being a single person who enjoys talking about being single, I read the articles attentively. I didn’t learn a whole lot (though some of the numbers quoted were interesting) but the topic made think of some things I’d like to share, and the comments brought up some myths that I wanted to clear up.

Why I’m Single

I doubt I will ever really understand, but my longstanding singleness is a subject of fascination to those around me. It’s like I lead a mysterious, exciting life full of intrigue and steamy hookups. Or something. Fortunately, for both me and them, I don’t mind answering really personal questions about my single life.

So why am I single?

In short, I’m single because I can’t be arsed to make myself otherwise.

Yep. No sobstory of heartbreak, no dark childhood trauma, no Mother Teresa tendencies.

If Mr Right magically showed up on the doorstep of my life, with, like, a red bow on his head, I’d invite him in. But I don’t feel any urge to go out looking for him, bopping him over the head and dragging him back by his hair to my bedroom. (I don’t feel the urge to hunt him down using less extreme measures either.)

I’m not the kind of person who gets lonely. I think I experienced loneliness once. I was about twelve years old and full of horrid teenager hormones. The only times I’m sincerely bitter about my single state is when I have to move heavy furniture. Couples have no idea how easy they have it when they move. I’m not attracted to other people very often either. I’ve only had a handful of crushes in my life. Most of them were on fictional characters. …Real people kind of bore me.

I did go through a phase where I had a series of short lived, intense relationships. They were excellent relationships, no “crazy ex” for me (I’m very adamant about my “no assholes” policy when it comes to dating and sex), but due to my nomadic lifestyle, each relationship had a predetermined end date. After about 3 years of this, I was tired of fast cycling between joy and mourning and decided that I wouldn’t invest my emotions into a relationship unless it wasn’t doomed from the start. I’ve yet to meet someone I could see myself with for more than a few months.

I often joke about how all the men in my town are either young and married or old and creepy, and that men are like parking spots – the good ones always taken. Truth is, I have no idea. I haven’t been on dating sites (which is how most of my happily coupled friends met their partners), I’m not overly involved in my community, I don’t frequent the local bars or coffee shop. I don’t feel any urge to actively seek a partner, and thus, I’m single because I can’t be arsed to make myself otherwise.

My Reactions to Klinenberg

I’ve read and watched some interviews with Klinenberg but I haven’t read his book yet. I mean to, but until then, I have to rely on the news articles.

The biggest “OH YESSSSS” moment was this:

In “Going Solo,” Klinenberg found that “Singletons” (his word), while still stigmatized by society, are growing in economic and political power. Yet only online dating sites directly target singles with their advertising.

Read more: http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Canada/20120214/love-marriage-singles-book-120214/#ixzz1mu2kZl5I

Note that this snippet comes right after the revelation that more than half of Canadians have never been married, and that in Canada’s major cities, singles represent 53 to 70% of the population.

That quote stood out to me because it is a frustration of mine that my Groupons (I know…) are generally targeted at couples and families. I also notice that most advertising for things I’m interested in show couples having a great time (or making fun of each other). Gettaways and traveling advertisements are the worst. Yet, it’s childless, singles like me who have the spending power necessary for frivolous vacations, who can drop everything and go without having to coordinate timing with a partner, and who actively seek new social situations (since we’re not getting much social at home). I’ve always shrugged it off to single people being rare, but Klinenberg reveals that we actually represent a huge chunk of the market. Advertisers, you are doing it wrong!

He also found that single people are more likely than married people to belong to social groups, give back to their community and spend their disposable income on the fun stuff such as bars, restaurants and the theatre.

“People who live alone are more likely to be social,” Klinenberg said. “This was a big surprise to me.”

Read more: http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Canada/20120214/love-marriage-singles-book-120214/#ixzz1mu9UvDhu

I’m surprised that he’s surprised.

To me it’s pretty obvious. When we live alone, we don’t get much social life at home. Which means we have to go elsewhere for it. Plus, all that “quality” time we’d spend with a significant other, we spend with our friends, or with ourselves, doing stuff we enjoy.

I think that many human beings also have a need to love. When that love isn’t centered on an individual, it’s expressed otherwise. Speaking personally, I don’t think I’d volunteer, or look after children, or treat my patients with the same loving zealousness if I were in a relationship. (Not saying that married people can’t love outside their relationship or that all single people are incredibly giving, it’s just that if you have that need to love, and there’s no obvious recipient of that love, you end up forced to spread it around.)

Klinenberg thinks U.S. society should recognize the shift to singlehood. Should we redesign metro areas to be more single-friendly? Provide more affordable housing for young singles, better institutions for the old, infirm, and vulnerable? “Anything we can do to afford security and support to this growing sector of our society, we should,” he says. [...]

“It’s ironic that by supporting each other,” Klinenberg says, “we give ourselves the freedom to be independent.”

Read more: http://www.philly.com/philly/entertainment/139411573.html#ixzz1muDtUDoc

When speaking of “singles”, Klinenberg also recognizes divorcees, widowers and the elderly. With people living longer and spouses outliving their partners, flying solo isn’t only for the young, upper-middle class featured in Sex and the City. Both he and Bolick (who wrote All the Single Ladies, published in The Atlantic) mention the existence of communal residences for individuals who live alone.

I found that very interesting. American and Canadian society is very much centered around the nuclear family of mommy, daddy and kids. Social model that, we’re discovering through high divorce rates and single parenting and depression being the leading cause of disability, doesn’t work. “It takes a village to raise a child” is the old saying. It’s still being argued that dual parenting is the ideal environment to raise children and I don’t have enough knowledge to pass judgement on that. However, if the ideal environment isn’t available, why can’t children have a village? Why aren’t there more resources allowing single mothers to live in proximity to each other, so they can help one another with child rearing, and household chores, and feeding their families?

And why must we wait until we need to enter a nursing home to live in a community setting? Even speaking as someone who loves her solo space, I would definitely be interested in residing in an apartment building targeted specifically for women living alone. (I think there are some civil right laws that forbid this, but lets forget about it for a moment.) Have my own apartment, but participate in communal dinners, movie nights, gardening and other activities with other women who share my living situation. I’d buy into that.

The “Threat(?!)” to Marriage?

Most of the articles about Klinenberg’s have a sensationalist title along the lines of “IS BEING SINGLE BETTER?”. I guess that’s what it takes to attract readers, but the concept of single life being “better” or “worse” is just silly to me.

There are advantages to being single and there are advantages to being paired up. Since individuals are unique, some may prefer to be single and others may prefer be paired. And! Because us humans aren’t stagnant pools, many of us go through phases in our lives where being single is the more advantageous option, and phases where being coupled is the “better” option.

This “threat” to marriage that I hear my Southern neighbors talk about (as they debate gay marriage… a silly debate, IMO – why does being of the same gender disqualify two partners from basic civil rights?) puzzles me. A lot of the articles (and even more of the comments) touch on that worry: that “traditional” marriage will die.

Being the history nerd that I am, to me, “traditional” marriage is when your parents trade you for goats, in order to boost their economic and (in the case of aristocratic families) political power. That’s already pretty much dead, and I can’t see how it’s a great loss. Today’s marriage model of two people in love and choosing to share their lives is pretty modern, not traditional at all. And if it were the amazing model that fanatic American politicians claim it to be, then most marriages wouldn’t end in divorce.

There are so many different family models in the world and thinking of them in terms of “better” or “worse” is useless. Better to think in terms of “more or less adapted to our population”. In North America, we don’t die very much. We don’t need to produce lot of children to ensure our survival. If anything, we’re a tad overpopulated. As a result, marriage and children are more about emotional and personal fulfillment than biologic necessity. As long as there are a minimum number of individuals still reproducing (and I don’t believe that will ever be a problem), the popularity of non-reproductive lifestyles is hardly going to cause the extinction of humanity.

Replying to Comments

Like all news sites comments, a lot of the responses to the articles made me go “…really? REALLY?” Let’s reply to a few of them.

GregoryJ-wpg -[...] I am very most concerned with the health of those born and raised from such a way. It seems to me they lose their concern for sustained commitments and responsibilites in this ‘ what’s best for me ‘ attitude at the root of these changes. Some, perhaps most, can see america is progressively sickening and morally collapsing by its ‘ me-first ‘ freedom is everything excesses, and I suspect the lose of interest in marriage is simple one more disease in that collapse.

Read more: http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Canada/20120214/love-marriage-singles-book-120214/#ixzz1myXEHaDy

I’m not sure if “from such a way” is a reference to single parenting or to the notion that it’s ok to be single. There’s no doubt that mainstream North American culture is very individualist. It has its upsides and its downsides. Negatively, we often end up with identity crisises, with not knowing how to manage our endless opportunities and our basic need to “belong” isn’t as filled as they would be in a collective society. But positively, the existence of human rights is kind of nice. So is the notion of equality among humans.

And, anthropologists correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems to me that all large scale collectivist cultures are corrupt, with those with the most money/numbers/brute strength taking advantage of the less privileged using birth social status as an excuse.

It also kind of perplexes me that those who are the first to cry out “the me-first mentality is ruining us!” are usually those who are the most adamant about refusing to pay more taxes to ensure the accessibility of health care and education.

The statement of “america is progressively sickening and morally collapsing” isn’t very clear either. There are social issues today that didn’t exist 40, 100, 400 years ago. But there are a ton of social issues from back then that have been improved quite a bit. I kind of like being a whole person, as opposed to a gender or a race.

If anything, I think our modern glorification of the nuclear family is hurting us. Romantic relationships are important, yes, but in treating them as significantly more important than friendships, extended family, community, we lose a huge amount of social support.

rat-ripper – Nobody lives alone by choice . I can’t imagine not having someone to share life with . I feel sorry for them all !

Read more: http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Canada/20120214/love-marriage-singles-book-120214/#ixzz1mydlRQ9u

Ah blanket statements! Clearly rat-ripper is hanging out in the minds of all those who live alone and is absolutely positive that EVERY SINGLE one of us is living alone AGAINST OUR WILL and that we are ABSOLUTELY PITIFUL.

Prof. Pye Chartt – Yes, because, according to pointy-headed academics, it’s more socially “evolved” to venture out to a fancy urban bar or lounge, have a California greens salad with some flatbread and humus while texting one of your busy friends who couldn’t make it, and desperately fantasize about actually meeting someone compatible to alleviate the pain of your mentally crushing singlehood and prospects for endless years of unfulfilment and loneliness. Yeah; the “solo” lifestyle rocks. No regret or disappointment in the cards down the road. For sure. Marriage? Oh, forget it. Kids? Oh, such a joyless long-term hassle. A loving intimate relationship with genuine commitment? What a drag. Be a casual, modern-day narcissist; it’s more fun. Live alone. Sharing a home with somebody (or “shacking up”) is so yesteryear. Instead, be with the person you love the absolute most — yourself — until death do you part. The toilet seat will always be left up/down, just the way you want it.

Read more: http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Canada/20120214/love-marriage-singles-book-120214/#ixzz1myeT2nu1

I think this guy misses the point and doesn’t understand singleness at all. Which is all good because I can’t really figure out his point either.

Johnny from Montreal – Single people also get descriminated against at work because – no children – this means they are available for overtime so the parents get to go home early.

Read more: http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Canada/20120214/love-marriage-singles-book-120214/#ixzz1myf11N3P

Yep. (Note, this is a good comment, I approve of this comment.) This hasn’t happened to me personally (I usually let the parents take time off out of the kindness of my heart, and out of love for my bank account), but it does annoy me when someone tries to get more breaks at work “because they have a family”. One person shouldn’t have more rights than others because they chose to work and have a family at the same time.

great uncle clive – Any tenured professor who writes about the single life-style can count on the sympathetic support of the media. Similarly if he writes about gay marriage. If he writes about traditional ‘middle-class’ marriage, he will be denounced in the media as a woman-hating bigot. Or worse. That’s the mess we have got ourselves into. Any mention of the breadwinner and homemaker marriage is thought crime today. The efficiencies of the single-income household cannot be alluded to. Even in The Economist.

That’s my take on the issue… in response to Oarboar

The corporations want women in the workforce to debase the labour supply and undermine the unions. And the media are in thrall to their corporate masters. Working couples are good for the economy: They put up the price of housing. Whereas single-income couples mean good homes for women and children. Which is more important? The economy? Or peoples’ lives?

That’s the wider issue

Read more: http://www.economist.com/blogs/prospero/2012/02/qa-eric-klinenberg?fsrc=gn_ep

Except for that the “the breadwinner and homemaker” marriage of the 50s and 60s isn’t traditional at all.

And is being a homemaker better for women and children’s lives? I was raised by a stay-at-home mom. She was very ostracized (in Québec in the 80s and 90s, a woman who stayed home after her kids started school was very looked down upon), she had very little social life (she had no work to make friends at), she never got any recognition for her efforts. It was a miserable life. As children, my brothers and I didn’t go to day care, which caused us to fall behind socially.

Personally, I’d rather be raised by fulfilled and emotionally healthy parents, than be forced into the model of the 50s and 60s family, which isn’t very adapted to today’s society.

As for a conspiracy to get women to “debase the labour supply and undermine the unions”…What on earth?

Here’s another gem from our modern champion:

great uncle clive – If any man greeted a lady co-worker with a cheery, ‘Good morning, scab’… he would be charged with harrassment, and villified in the media, and his life destroyed

Whether or not ‘women employees are just as loyal union members as men’ is beside the point… The union movement has been crippled since women entered the workforce

For a hundred years, the unions fought for a living wage… which by definition is a wage sufficient to support a wife and family in upmarket style… The men worked and struggled for their women… The unions were empowered… By the 60′s, high wage/ benefit jobs were the norm

The corporations didn’t like that

Along came the Feminists demanding equality for women, when most of them were wives and singles… None of them wanted to support their husbands!… And the entire raison d’etre of unionism was overthrown

(I know many readers of The Economist are anti-union… but with any knowledge of history… strong private sector unions are a vital factor in any kind of social progress… Public sector unions are another matter… They should never have been allowed…)

It now takes two incomes… a husband and wife each working full-time… to realise the same basic standard of living that one could achieve in the 60′s… gratis Feminism… Working couples sent the price of housing sky-high… great for anyone who already owned property… Everyone who mattered!… but future generations are looking at peonage

What is really heartbreaking is that a practical solution… a HOMEMAKER ALLOWANCE… is so readily available… And nobody will look at it… because they’re so afraid of that corporate/ Feminist/ media line-up

Read more: http://www.economist.com/blogs/prospero/2012/02/qa-eric-klinenberg?fsrc=gn_ep

I’m not sure what “scab” means, but apparently it’s very bad to use after good morning. Don’t do it fellas! Your lives will be ruined!

I’m not too knowledgeable on unions, but it seems to me that women in the workplace would empower unions because women are more concerned by pay equality and benefits like health care and maternity rights.

Until the line “It now takes two incomes… a husband and wife each working full-time… to realise the same basic standard of living that one could achieve in the 60′s…”, I thought the poster was a product of the 60s. Apparently not. I wasn’t around in the 60s, but from what my parents tell me, and from what I can absorb from vintage TV shows, our basic standards of living are NOTHING like the 60s. Today, the middle class collects a lot of objects, eats at restaurants regularly, wears new clothes, takes vacations down south. We expect way more that our past generations, and that‘s why we need two incomes.

Also, suspensions points are meant to be used sparingly to alter the rhythm of a text, not as a substitute for a period or comma.

David Ryan – It’s true. Given enough money, and the willingness to reach far enough down the ladder of social standing, even a very old man can attract youthful companionship. These sorts of relationships are looked upon with a certain degree of distain, which I presume all that money helps keep these men insulated from as well.

But for the merely very successful man, the sort of man whom might make a proper mate for Ms. Bolick and her successful single sisters in similar straights, there comes a time when even his looks fail, he can no longer attract a woman of youth, beauty and social standing. Not that there aren’t exceptions, but it’s unlikely that Ms. Bolick will bed (let alone marry) a fellow old enough to be her father, and it’s unlikely that the fellow whose story I’ve related above will begin showing up at social functions with a woman young enough to be his daughter and from a social class lower than his.

Read more: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/11/all-the-single-ladies/8654/

Even someone who seems to be pro-marriage, is reducing marriage to a social obligation, something you do to impress your peers. Heaven forbid you find yourself in a socially unconventional pairing!

What I find interesting about this commenter is that he’s the opposite of the past commenters. He seems to really understand the “traditional” marriage. I know that a lot of people still go about romantic relationships in the way he’s describing, but it’s difficult on my 21th century sensitivities. I see other humans as my equals. I don’t believe in marrying “up” or marrying “down”. There are just people that I’m compatible with and people that I’m not compatible with.

Conclusion: Being Happy

Klinenberg, a married man himself, says the majority of people would like to get married, but in modern society people are placing a greater emphasis on happiness in marriage and are waiting longer to find the right person.

“They want to make sure they are making the right choice and are investing in themselves and careers, and establishing their own security,” he said. “People who wait a while to get married are more likely to stay married.”

Read more: http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Canada/20120214/love-marriage-singles-book-120214/#ixzz1myp8YjrP

This quote made me feel good.

When you’re single and in your late 20s, you somehow find yourself surrounded by people your age (or a little bit older) who tell you how much they envy you, about how they wish they’d waited until their 30s to get married.

So I had conceived in my mind that the average person was in a huge rush to have a party and get a piece of paper, without really considering the implications of said party and piece of paper. It had always bothered me that an 18 year old American wasn’t allowed to drink, but could get married. The law says that at 18, you’re not mature enough to decide what you’re doing with your evening, but you are mature enough to decide to pledge your next 80 years to someone.

I’m glad to see proof that there are young people who do understand that we live a looooong time and that commitments shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Tom (Kingston) – No point joining a “camp” just for the sake of being “accepted.” If you are happy single, great. If you are happy common-law, great. If you are happy married, then also great. I could care less about the status-quo and consider my life on a day-to-day basis. Life is constantly changing, live life today and stop worrying about what others think.

Read more: http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Canada/20120214/love-marriage-singles-book-120214/#ixzz1myrP51vs

I loved this comment.

To me, romantic relationships should add to my life. And right now, my life is pretty awesome. It would be pretty difficult to add to it. So I’m not in a hurry. If I come across someone who might enhance my life, I’ll jump on board, until them I’m going to keep enjoying my existence.

References

CTV News, Better single than married? New book suggests yes
The Globe and Mail, Who needs marriage? The joys of living alone
The Economist, The Q&A: Eric Klinenberg – One is the loveliest number
Philly dot Com, NYU professor says more are living singly, for better or worse
The Atlantic, Kate Bolick, All the Single Ladies
Slate, Katie Roiphe, Singled Out: Why are Americans still so obsessed with single people—and so scared by them?

A Rare Swing from Me at WIPs and the Nice Guy Syndrome

Normally I ignore WIPs (Whiny Internet People), because, well, this is the internet, some people use it to rant. Other people are just hopeless. If you start getting into arguments with WIPs, you’ll quickly burn yourself out and become a WIP yourself.

But the other day, a friend posted something on Facebook, and I happened to be feeling somewhat mischievous. And so, in the midst of WIPs yelling out “OH THATS SO TRUE”, I called bullshit. And I feel like calling bullshit some more.

I don't know who the original creator of this image is.

Ah, Nice Guy Syndrome. (Actually, as I was reading around a bit for this post, I came across a site called What The Fuck, “Nice Guys”? which also tears apart the above piece of text, and I have to say, I LOVE the author’s definition of nice guy syndrome: “a debilitating condition where the sufferer believes that they are the nicest, sweetest, most sensitive guy out there, and the reason the sufferer is single is because ‘girls only want to date jerks‘”.)

Having been single (with occasional dating) for the past 5 years, I spend a lot of time observing other people’s relationships. How did they meet? What did they like about each other? How long have they been together? How happy are they?

I’m at that age (late 20s) where most of my friends are coupled up, if not already married. I’m happily single, but I do often wonder why others are paired up and not me. I talk to other singles too, and we joke around about why we’re single.

That said, I have two peeves:

1) Women who believe they’re single because men are only interested in super slutty model lookalikes.
2) Men who believe they’re single because they’re “too nice”.

Now, I’m not really sure where the idea that men ONLY like hot and slutty girls came from. Obviously the MILLIONS of happily married women in the world who aren’t slutty model lookalikes didn’t get the message (nor did the men who married them). Plus, while I’m not EXACTLY a model lookalike, I’m in good shape and pretty satisfied with my looks. And sometimes when I hit on guys (that’s slutty, isn’t it?), I get rejected. So yeah, can’t always and only use looks and sluttyness to get what you want.

As for “too nice”. Oh my, where do I start.

I took a look in my friend repertoire. I listed the names of all the genuinely nice guys currently in my life. I came up with 15 (I’m sure there are more, but those are 15 that I know well enough to be sure that they really are nice). Of those 15:

5 are married
2 are engaged
5 are in happy, long term relationships
3 are single.

Of the 3 who are single, one isn’t interested in relationships, one works a crazy ass schedule and one is really young.

Obviously my sample size is small, but it’s big enough to dispel the black-and-white thinking of women NEVER liking nice guys. Because, yeah, these nice guys all seem to be doing pretty well for themselves romantically.

If you feel like you’re being rejected because you’re “too nice”, you’re probably one (or more) of the following:

1) A teenager

If this is the case, I’m sorry. Odds are that the next few years will suck for you, dating wise. But rest assured. People grow up. Use your failures as learning experiences, tune your social skills and wait out your time.

2) A Self Centered Asshole

The guy who wrote the “Dear females” text that inspired this post (I know “females” tends to be the going word when talking about gender issues, but really? “Females”? Whenever I see “female” used as a noun, I get the impression that the subject at hand is cattle, or cats), isn’t “becoming” an asshole. He’s been one all along. His attempts at pretending to be decent in order to get laid failed, so he decided to stop pretending.

I mean, really? You pretend to be someone’s friend, listen to their problems, connect with them IN HOPES YOU’LL GET INTO THEIR PANTS? Really? Where exactly is the “nice” here? I dunno about you, but when I’m supportive to someone as a friend, it’s because I care about them and want them to be happy. If that comes with perks for me, awesome, if not, that’s ok too, as long as they’re feeling better.

Yeah, I understand falling for someone and being hurt when they don’t reciprocate. I get bitter too when I get rejected. But you know what? NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO LOVE YOU! Maybe you don’t have enough in common. Maybe the chemistry just isn’t there. Maybe she’s caught on that you’re a stuck up asshole who thinks he’s god’s gift to women.

3) You’re only interested in slutty, model lookalike women

See what I did there?

If you’re going after women who use only use sex and looks to get what they want in life, you’re going to find yourself around women dealing with the consequences of relying too much on sex and looks. Using sex and looks, and only sex and looks leads to a lot of pain. And besides, do you really think that someone who disregards their own personality is going to care about your personality?

Yes, anyone might be cheated on, anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship. But someone who is currently in a pattern of unhealthy relationships isn’t at a healthy place in their lives. This person complains of being treated badly, then in “two hours is fucking” someone else who treats them badly? Why do you want a relationship with this person anyway?

I understand that many of us are cursed to be “rescueholics” (I’m one too), and there are relationships that start off as rescue missions. But logic and odds are against you. Be a friend to those who are learning to love themselves, support those who are recovering from negative experiences. But when it comes to commitment, find someone who’s your equal. Don’t go for someone who gives you the false feeling of superiority that comes from “rescueholic” relationships.

As a side note, guys often complain about women who try to “change” them. The well kept secret is that women tend to not be all that fond of guys trying to change them either. Apparently both genders like to be respected for who they are and for who they aspire to be, not for who society wants them to be. Who would have guessed?

Oh, and just in case this isn’t obvious, there are individuals in this world who are capable of happy, healthy relationships.

4) You’re too desperate. As in creepy and gross.

I frequently encounter guys (and by that I mean that I’m kind of a magnet for guys with this problem) who are a tad too desperate. They call too often, repeat everything I say (assuming they even let me talk between their own ramblings) and, worst of all, profess their love for me without really knowing me.

They claim they’re being “nice”, but in reality they’re being annoying and borderline stalkerish.

Attention from the gender you’re attracted to is a very pleasant thing. I think both genders would agree. But you have to distinguish that attention from the actual person. So there’s this girl you hang around and talk to a lot. You think you’re in love with her. But are you? Or are you in love with having someone attractive around who listens to your rambling?

Or say you’re one of those who claim to be selfless and who’ll do anything for anyone. And then will spend the rest of their free time whining about how they’re being taken advantage of. This kind of goes with what I was saying back in the “you’re an asshole” section. If you’re doing things to make people like you, or because you’re expecting praise, attention or sex out of it, those things aren’t selfless. They’re selfish. And in case you were wondering, phoniness reaks.

Acting like a spineless, desperate slob isn’t sexy. At best it’s a turnoff, at worst it’ll land you in an abusive relationship. Then you’ll be complaining about how women cheat on you, treat you badly, hit you and steal your money.

Final Words

Don’t get me wrong, being kind or “nice” is awesome. But be kind when your goal is to be kind. Be genuine. It’ll get you a lot further in all aspect of your life.

As a long term single woman who’s dated a lot of guys, I’ll tell you that there are lots of nice guys out there. Real, genuine, nice guys.

I even have a “no assholes” policy. I refuse to date, and especially sleep with, assholes. And you know what? It’s super easy to abide to. Nice guys aren’t rare at all.

But I don’t automatically fall in love with every nice guy I meet. It’s not like I can control it. Frequently, I find myself wishing I could fall in love. But usually we don’t have enough in common, or we just don’t have the right chemistry. I used to feel guilty, but I don’t anymore. Those guys usually get snatched up pretty quickly by someone much more compatible.

After all, it’s like my favorite one-liner goes: men are like parking spots…the good ones are always taken.

Backpacking El Paso

“The main reason people came to El Paso was to cross over to Mexico. And now Mexico is too dangerous, so no one comes anymore.”

The sad statement from the kindly gentleman working at the hotel desk fit the atmosphere of downtown El Paso like you wouldn’t believe. The streets were deserted, most of the buildings – which once must have been architectural masterpieces – were neglected and falling into decay. The “Golden Horseshoe”, which, according to my walking tour pamphlet, was once a bustling market, was now a disheveled collection of uninteresting shops, populated by shady characters and teenagers wearing sweatpants.

But don’t let that fool you. While downtown El Paso has a deep, melancholic feel of has been glory to it, and maybe BECAUSE of that nostalgia, the city is a wonderful backpacking destination. Most of the attractions are free, the locals are excited to help you out and the food is surprisingly good. Definitely my coup de coeur, as we say where I’m from, and I may even go as far as to say that it was my favorite stop along this trip.

One of the nicer buildings downtown

Accommodations

As far as I can tell, El Paso only has one hostel, the Gardener Hotel. And it’s not really a hostel, just a few rooms in a hotel that happen to have bunk beds. The Hotel belongs in the downtown El Paso scenery: a historical landmark that no doubt remembers many significant moments of El Paso’s past, but that has clearly seen better days. Nonetheless, the rooms are clean and comfortable, the staff is friendly and super helpful, the location near the Greyhound and Amtrak is convenient and the prices are comparable to most other North American hostels.

Old school elevator!

If you’re passing through, it’s worth staying a night or two here to really feel the city.

Getting Around

By American standards, El Paso has a fantastic public transit system. The routes are convenient, the fares are cheap, the bus drivers are the nicest people ever and the busses come frequently.

THE BUS HAS A HAPPY FACE!

However, and you will see me repeat it in this post, El Paso doesn’t bank on tourism these days. So the bus system is great for locals to go about their daily business, but all the things you’d like to see as a tourist (historical landmarks, museums, scenery, famous restaurants) are either in walking distance of the hostel, or so far out of town that you will need a vehicle.

Yay! Snot green car FTW!

I rented a car on my second day in town. It ended up being pretty cheap and it let me visit some of the attractions in the surrounding area. Driving in El Paso, like most Western cities I presume, was pretty easy. The highways are huge so traffic, even at rush hour, wasn’t bad at all. I also had no problem finding my way around. Don’t bother wasting money to rent a GPS. Everything you want to see will be indicated by many, many signs along the way.

El Paso in a Nutshell

As I mentioned earlier, El Paso doesn’t bank on tourism. Which makes the city kind of the opposite of a tourist trap. Local attractions are intended for locals, to teach them about their history, or make them love their city. In other words, pretty much all the museums are free, the not-free attractions are very reasonably priced and the restaurants have excellent quality-value. And the locals…they’re so happy to see someone take interest in their city that they’ll go far out of their way to make you feel at home. Everyone was so helpful and kind, and I ended up with more advice, tips and sightseeing suggestions that I could handle.

I did a self-guided walking tour on the first day with the help of a pamphlet that I picked up at the tourism bureau. (I <3 tourism bureaus! They’re a godsent to the nomadic traveler.) I found it a good way to orient myself in the city and get a glimpse of its history. You can feel the ghosts here all the time, so it’s worth acquainting yourself with them.

Like so many others downtown, this beautiful building had most of its windows boarded up.

My favorite story was of a tree by the Downtown Plaza. For a long time, it was used as a newspaper board. Most of the “news” posted was by politicians, businessmen and social figures calling each other names.

I visited some of the museums in town (like any good historical city, El Paso has tons and tons of museums, and unique to El Paso, most of them are free or by donation), notably the El Paso Museum of History, the Border Patrol Museum (an unusual theme, but since El Paso is a border town, the Border Patrol is natural part of daily life) and the Archeology Museum. All three were excellent and I totally recommend visiting them. I didn’t get a chance to visit the El Paso Museum of Art, but I’ve heard a lot of good about it, from both tourism guides and locals.

Behind the building that houses the Border Patrol and Archeology Museums is a beautiful (and large!) garden with footpaths. One of El Paso's well kept secrets.

Around the north part of town, Transmountain Rd (where you can also find the Border Patrol and Archeology Museums) offers some amazing views of the city and desert. There are even sheltered picnic tables if you want admire those views over lunch. Another great way to admire views is the Wyler Aerial Tramway, a gondola that takes you to the top of a mountain in the city. There’s also some hiking around it if you get there early enough in the day and have a buddy to look out for you. Usually sight-enhancers like this are terribly overpriced, but again, El Paso is all about local love, so the Wyler Aerial Tramway is very, very reasonable.

This is me on the gondola.

This is me at the top.

While I was there, I met a traveling musician named Daniel Park who records videos of his music in every city he plays in. (He actually took that picture of me at the top.) I didn’t get to see him perform on stage, but I did get to listen to him play at the top of the mountain. His blog is a lot of fun to follow and this post has the video he recorded the day I met him.

And finally, while I was near New Mexico, I ventured to a historical neighborhood just outside of Las Cruces, named Old Mesilla.

This was probably the most touristy thing I did on my trip, but it was a lot of fun. I browsed through the quaint shops and ate at one of the elegantly decorated restaurants. (The food and service were average, but the atmosphere was well worth it.) As I was looking for a café praised in my “Explore Old Mesilla” handbook, I stumbled into a health food club. The friendly girls there informed me that the café had sadly shut down and then offered me a free smoothie. It was a very good smoothie and I desperately tried to find a website for the club (or even a name!) but no luck. But if you’re in Old Mesilla and find the health food club, tell them I say hi.

Along the way between El Paso and Old Mesilla, I took the back road through the gorgeous New Mexican countryside.

Who knew peacan farms were so lovely?

I stopped at Stahmann’s, which must be a very significant landmark since there were signs for the store EVERYWHERE. I bought about 50$ worth of peacan products. Thanks to Stahmann’s, I didn’t go hungry at all during my train rides! What peacans I had left over, I left with Fannon‘s family when I got back to Edmonton. They were pretty delicious, but I don’t think I’ll be able to eat another peacan again as long as I live.

Their peacan coffee, however, is amazing. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of it.

I gotta give props to the kind folk at the New Mexico Tourism Bureau for pointing me toward the backroad and to Old Mesilla. (See! Again the Tourism Bureau has contributed to making my trip a success!)

View from the New Mexico Tourism Bureau

The Food

I was very impressed by the food in El Paso. But maybe I shouldn’t have been. After all, it was the “Old El Paso” brand of pseudo-Mexican food that made me want to visit the city in the first place. (I don’t know if I’ve even ever eaten anything by Old El Paso, but I’ve heard the name lots and it had made me curious.)

Two places really stood out to me.

1)Avila’s: I’m not usually a fan of Mexican cuisine, but you can’t visit the South West without sampling local food. And oh, how I was served! I ordered a sampling dish and I ate until I really couldn’t fit anything else down. And I drank a gigantic margarita. (I was traveling by city bus, so drinking was ok!) The service was also fantastic. So fast and so friendly!

I swear that margarita (and the plate for that matter) is way bigger than it looks.

2)Cattleman’s Steakhouse: I had to drive 20 miles during rush hour to get here, but oh, dear sweet, sweet Light, was it ever worth it! This place is a total experience. Cattleman’s is actually a ranch. I didn’t get there until dusk, but if you go in the afternoon, you can visit the property, take a hayride, see where some movies were filmed and chase the birds.

The steak here is…there are no words for it. I had the biggest, juiciest, deliciousiest T-Bone steak in my life. I still dream of it at night. I started off with a fantastic shrimp cocktail appetizer and even at that, my bill was for under 30$. How can you beat that?

Also gotta give props to the service. I had a great time and I promise I’ll visit again when I have more time to spend on the ranch grounds.

About Mexico

When crossing the border to the US, my customs agent happened to be from El Paso. His advice to me? “Stay out of Mexico.”

The drug violence in Mexico seems to stop at the border, but the repercussions are felt all along the South West. Every time I mentioned going to El Paso, I was answered with a comment on the Mexican drugs wars. Since I was traveling at the end of October, a few days before El Día de Los Muertos, I came across several shrines in Phoenix and El Paso (and even San Antonio) dedicated to the women and/or children murdered in the crossfire.

It was heartbreaking and sobering. You can easily tell how much the violence touches everyone in the region, whether they are directly affected or not.

I’m usually pretty fearless, but I chose not to go to Mexico.

In the end, I think going to Mexico would have been a waste of time, at best. I was on such a tight schedule and El Paso is such an interesting city that I would have missed out on a lot had I took my chances and crossed the border.

Conclusion: El Paso

I knew this post would be long, but I didn’t expect 2000 words! It’s just that I can’t find a shorter way to express how much I loved this city. As I was planning my trip, I was asked over and over again why I wanted to go to El Paso. Originally I was just curious. And when I saw how deserted the city was, I did feel a little discouraged. But when I took a closer look, I discovered a gem of a backpacking destination.

There are so many stories here, so many beautiful sites to admire, so much to learn, and, the icing on the cake of every backpacking trip, so many warm, helpful, kind locals to meet.

And if you’d like to see more pictures of the El Paso portion of my trip, my Facebook album should be viewable by all.