Normally I ignore WIPs (Whiny Internet People), because, well, this is the internet, some people use it to rant. Other people are just hopeless. If you start getting into arguments with WIPs, you’ll quickly burn yourself out and become a WIP yourself.
But the other day, a friend posted something on Facebook, and I happened to be feeling somewhat mischievous. And so, in the midst of WIPs yelling out “OH THATS SO TRUE”, I called bullshit. And I feel like calling bullshit some more.
Ah, Nice Guy Syndrome. (Actually, as I was reading around a bit for this post, I came across a site called What The Fuck, “Nice Guys”? which also tears apart the above piece of text, and I have to say, I LOVE the author’s definition of nice guy syndrome: “a debilitating condition where the sufferer believes that they are the nicest, sweetest, most sensitive guy out there, and the reason the sufferer is single is because ‘girls only want to date jerks‘”.)
Having been single (with occasional dating) for the past 5 years, I spend a lot of time observing other people’s relationships. How did they meet? What did they like about each other? How long have they been together? How happy are they?
I’m at that age (late 20s) where most of my friends are coupled up, if not already married. I’m happily single, but I do often wonder why others are paired up and not me. I talk to other singles too, and we joke around about why we’re single.
That said, I have two peeves:
1) Women who believe they’re single because men are only interested in super slutty model lookalikes.
2) Men who believe they’re single because they’re “too nice”.
Now, I’m not really sure where the idea that men ONLY like hot and slutty girls came from. Obviously the MILLIONS of happily married women in the world who aren’t slutty model lookalikes didn’t get the message (nor did the men who married them). Plus, while I’m not EXACTLY a model lookalike, I’m in good shape and pretty satisfied with my looks. And sometimes when I hit on guys (that’s slutty, isn’t it?), I get rejected. So yeah, can’t always and only use looks and sluttyness to get what you want.
As for “too nice”. Oh my, where do I start.
I took a look in my friend repertoire. I listed the names of all the genuinely nice guys currently in my life. I came up with 15 (I’m sure there are more, but those are 15 that I know well enough to be sure that they really are nice). Of those 15:
5 are married
2 are engaged
5 are in happy, long term relationships
3 are single.
Of the 3 who are single, one isn’t interested in relationships, one works a crazy ass schedule and one is really young.
Obviously my sample size is small, but it’s big enough to dispel the black-and-white thinking of women NEVER liking nice guys. Because, yeah, these nice guys all seem to be doing pretty well for themselves romantically.
If you feel like you’re being rejected because you’re “too nice”, you’re probably one (or more) of the following:
1) A teenager
If this is the case, I’m sorry. Odds are that the next few years will suck for you, dating wise. But rest assured. People grow up. Use your failures as learning experiences, tune your social skills and wait out your time.
2) A Self Centered Asshole
The guy who wrote the “Dear females” text that inspired this post (I know “females” tends to be the going word when talking about gender issues, but really? “Females”? Whenever I see “female” used as a noun, I get the impression that the subject at hand is cattle, or cats), isn’t “becoming” an asshole. He’s been one all along. His attempts at pretending to be decent in order to get laid failed, so he decided to stop pretending.
I mean, really? You pretend to be someone’s friend, listen to their problems, connect with them IN HOPES YOU’LL GET INTO THEIR PANTS? Really? Where exactly is the “nice” here? I dunno about you, but when I’m supportive to someone as a friend, it’s because I care about them and want them to be happy. If that comes with perks for me, awesome, if not, that’s ok too, as long as they’re feeling better.
Yeah, I understand falling for someone and being hurt when they don’t reciprocate. I get bitter too when I get rejected. But you know what? NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO LOVE YOU! Maybe you don’t have enough in common. Maybe the chemistry just isn’t there. Maybe she’s caught on that you’re a stuck up asshole who thinks he’s god’s gift to women.
3) You’re only interested in slutty, model lookalike women
See what I did there?
If you’re going after women who use only use sex and looks to get what they want in life, you’re going to find yourself around women dealing with the consequences of relying too much on sex and looks. Using sex and looks, and only sex and looks leads to a lot of pain. And besides, do you really think that someone who disregards their own personality is going to care about your personality?
Yes, anyone might be cheated on, anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship. But someone who is currently in a pattern of unhealthy relationships isn’t at a healthy place in their lives. This person complains of being treated badly, then in “two hours is fucking” someone else who treats them badly? Why do you want a relationship with this person anyway?
I understand that many of us are cursed to be “rescueholics” (I’m one too), and there are relationships that start off as rescue missions. But logic and odds are against you. Be a friend to those who are learning to love themselves, support those who are recovering from negative experiences. But when it comes to commitment, find someone who’s your equal. Don’t go for someone who gives you the false feeling of superiority that comes from “rescueholic” relationships.
As a side note, guys often complain about women who try to “change” them. The well kept secret is that women tend to not be all that fond of guys trying to change them either. Apparently both genders like to be respected for who they are and for who they aspire to be, not for who society wants them to be. Who would have guessed?
Oh, and just in case this isn’t obvious, there are individuals in this world who are capable of happy, healthy relationships.
4) You’re too desperate. As in creepy and gross.
I frequently encounter guys (and by that I mean that I’m kind of a magnet for guys with this problem) who are a tad too desperate. They call too often, repeat everything I say (assuming they even let me talk between their own ramblings) and, worst of all, profess their love for me without really knowing me.
They claim they’re being “nice”, but in reality they’re being annoying and borderline stalkerish.
Attention from the gender you’re attracted to is a very pleasant thing. I think both genders would agree. But you have to distinguish that attention from the actual person. So there’s this girl you hang around and talk to a lot. You think you’re in love with her. But are you? Or are you in love with having someone attractive around who listens to your rambling?
Or say you’re one of those who claim to be selfless and who’ll do anything for anyone. And then will spend the rest of their free time whining about how they’re being taken advantage of. This kind of goes with what I was saying back in the “you’re an asshole” section. If you’re doing things to make people like you, or because you’re expecting praise, attention or sex out of it, those things aren’t selfless. They’re selfish. And in case you were wondering, phoniness reaks.
Acting like a spineless, desperate slob isn’t sexy. At best it’s a turnoff, at worst it’ll land you in an abusive relationship. Then you’ll be complaining about how women cheat on you, treat you badly, hit you and steal your money.
Don’t get me wrong, being kind or “nice” is awesome. But be kind when your goal is to be kind. Be genuine. It’ll get you a lot further in all aspect of your life.
As a long term single woman who’s dated a lot of guys, I’ll tell you that there are lots of nice guys out there. Real, genuine, nice guys.
I even have a “no assholes” policy. I refuse to date, and especially sleep with, assholes. And you know what? It’s super easy to abide to. Nice guys aren’t rare at all.
But I don’t automatically fall in love with every nice guy I meet. It’s not like I can control it. Frequently, I find myself wishing I could fall in love. But usually we don’t have enough in common, or we just don’t have the right chemistry. I used to feel guilty, but I don’t anymore. Those guys usually get snatched up pretty quickly by someone much more compatible.
After all, it’s like my favorite one-liner goes: men are like parking spots…the good ones are always taken.